Dear god, the awkward
Skip right ahead to 0:45 so you don’t have to see me getting used to myself. Also, I had just finished two hours of lecture and breathing chalk dust. My throat was a little dry.
Oh, and the herky-jerk edit about 16:45? The lights went out because I wasn’t moving around enough. Clearly I am not an Internet professional.
Still, some people had mentioned hearing some, and the scene is complete and I think hangs together pretty well. I’m pretty proud of it, too, coming straight out as it did. I haven’t changed a thing from when I first wrote it, and it doesn’t need much changing from a large-concerns standpoint—not too much to take out, nothing to add. It sits in its proper place in the novel, too, though I might move it a bit later. Either way, I don’t have to worry too much about steps one and two of the process with this scene.
That’s not say it’s not without major faults:
The weird moment where I talk about the note? Here’s what’s currently written:
Of them all, he had been the best, the most exciting. Had been the closest by far-[might need to go ahead and say it—closest by far to getting her to leave him. To leave Boonetk]-she hides the shake cup, goes to the trash in the kitchen, opens the lid and moves some stuff out of the way, a couple frozen entree boxes, a wad of paper towels.
I don’t think I’ll make direct mention that he’d been closest by far to getting her to leave Boone. As I’ve said, scene must reveal plot or character, and by NOT saying it, I think it will reveal more about Joan than saying it would. IE, she still can’t quite allow herself to think it through. That gives the whole thing a bit of hope and makes her more flawed, more aware of how dangerous things are (dangerous here being a relative term).
Here’s how it’ll probably end up, to make it a little clearer:
Of them all, he had been the best, the most exciting. Had been closest to—
She hides the shake cup, goes to the trash in the kitchen, opens the lid and moves some stuff out of the way, a couple frozen entree boxes, a wad of paper towels.
It works better on the page, lets the reader know she’s moved from dramatic past to dramatic present.
Continuity errors
Remember when I talked about writing at least 300 words every day? The technique’s major pitfall is continuity errors. Here, I wrote the section where she thinks about whiskey two days before I wrote the paragraph where she sips the whiskey. Whiskey that’s not supposed to exist in her car. And while I like the burn and burger alliteration, she doesn’t need the whiskey. That’s not part of her character, so I’ll cut the booze.
What else?
The ridiculous repetition of “so, so good.” That’s out, right off the bat.
Also, the word “delicious” doesn’t do anything. It’s an easy word. However,
since Joan isn’t a food expert and wouldn’t know how to describe things beyond
simple words like ‘fatty’ and ‘salty’ then maybe the over use of ‘delicious’
does right by Joan. It’s something I’ll have to think about, when I get to down to issues like word choice.
Finally, that end line might be a little over-written
What works?
The transitions from dramatic present to past. I think they work well, and I’m proud I was able to do it without too much effort. The dead spaces in the dramatic present are the perfect place to go back like that. As she eases forward in line at the burger joint, she allows herself to relive the day she left him. Then, throughout the piece there just seemed to come those natural breaks that enabled me to slip back into the dramatic past. I love it when things work out that way.
I also like the way Joan’s body remains centrally important, even waiting in the car she can feel herself in the driver’s seat. It developed as a recurring theme throughout and is one of the central rifts between the two main characters. Joan is centrally of body, and Boone is centrally of mind (I think). I didn’t plan it like that, but I think it’s one of the things that naturally happens when you have fully developed characters. There will be facets of their personalities that are in conflict, even if that conflict isn’t direct. The conflict creates tension, and tension moves the novel forward, develops character and creates those moments when things must break apart.
Anyway, if you made it through, awesome. If not, I understand. A full twenty minutes is a serious premium these days, and I’m just some guy revising a novel. Still, I thank you for taking the time to drop by. It means a lot.
